March 28, 2020

Per usual I was having a conversation with a friend about the interesting personality types you come across at work. It was colorful to say the least and gave way to the list below. It’s not all inclusive but definitely a good starting point. If you see some you know, feel free to add them in the comments.

Nice Nastiness: being pleasantly rude. The new workplace acts as an open-arm welcome center for this type. But the worst part is finding out that the ringleader of this type is your boss. Proceed with caution.

Mobile Shade Trees: those that seem to pop up in situations that really don’t pertain to them for the sole purpose to throw shade and negativity on a situation. Constantly being the pessimist in all possible ideas. AKA an Umbrella.

Seasoned Vet: this person is in training with you, but thinks that they know everything. He or she is probably old enough to have played spades with Noah on the ark. You can’t tell ‘em nothing. You just take their input with a grain of salt and as a bargaining chip for entry into heaven.

Overly Sanctified Sinner: brags about how Jesus can make a lane out of no lane, give you an extra blunt out your dime sac. Uses their Biblical knowledge, or lack there of, to justify their misdeeds and illegal activities. You constantly look at this fool and wonder how they passed the drug test in the first place. General reply: “Ain’t no tellin’,” or “Don’t question God’s work.” Furrowed brow of confusion and disbelieving shakes of the head.

Purposelessly Angry: this person has a difficult name and has the nerve to get mad when no one can pronounce it correctly. Deep inside you imagine it to be a deep seeded hatred for one’s mother or father for their inability to give them a name that’s gentler on the palette. This person is always ready to go from 0 to 100. The Overly Sanctified Sinner usually tells this person, “Calm Down, killah.”

Black Donald Trump: woman with a God awful lace-front. She wears nice suits with fan-like fake lashes and a Pepe LePew replica atop her head. Has the nerve to get upset when no one wants her hairstylist/niece’s number.

Brother AC (Afro Centric): office dreads. Everything is, “Yes, my sistah.” But the word on the street is he’s the office little brother that everyone pitches in to help. He’s a self-proclaimed visionary that lacks a clear vision.

Word on the Street: the office gossip. She can tell you about any and everything going on. She knows about the new compliance updates before compliance. Whoever she gets her information from is 99.9% accurate.

Keeps It Too Real: holds on to hood beliefs as if their black card is constantly under review and silently being audited for their inability to subscribe to every black stereotype. See Ask Rachel Dolezal memes.

The Optimist: always sees the silver-lining in company decisions; also known as The Company Man/Woman. No error could be found with any poorly developed idea that comes down from the top. Generally has an all-around upbeat demeanor.

Unbothered: does not care about any office decorum. Marches to the beat of her own drum and is oblivious to the world around her. Is likely to take her laptop to the bathroom during an office video conference. See Jennifer.

Sour Patch: this person is passive-aggressive. Tends to send emails with conflicting directions. Can be mean one moment and sweet the next. You are leery interacting with them because their moods shift suddenly and unexpectedly, hence the name Sour Patch.

The Office Snitch: this person was a tattle-tell as a child and grew up to be one as well. Is always seen with the supervisor, typically after having lunch with Word on the Street. Does not drive to work as his or her car has been keyed and tires slashed on more than one occasion.