January 28, 2023

So, Thursday, January 26, 2023 at 7 pm, I attended “An Evening With the Stars” gala to accept an award for Teacher of the Year. All I can say is that I am humbled and grateful for the acknowledgment of over fifteen years of hard work. I never thought when I first entered the classroom that I would receive an award for the work I do.

Even when I learned of my nomination, I was in complete shock. I’ve always been one to do my job and keep it pressing. I have worked in so many environments, even outside of teaching, where I was never appreciated for the work I do. But this moment forced me to look at the path I’ve taken to get here. The people pushing me to do better, speaking life into me, pressing me to live up to my own standards.

There are so many emotions around receiving this award. I’m thankful, excited, appreciated, loved, respected, valued for the work I do. I work in an environment where I actually enjoy going to work. I looked back at one of my prayer journals and saw that the place I’m in now is what I earnestly and faithfully prayed for years ago.

I am so thankful for all of the praise, support, and words of encouragement I received during the process. I want to thank my family, friends, colleagues, and students. I also want to thank God for preparing me for this opportunity. I just feel so amazed and in awe.

Until next time.

January 28, 2023

Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. I can mark myself safe from the calamity of the year 2022 and the many storms that lived there. I want to count it all joy, but it left a path of seeing that I don’t think I ever could have adequately prepared myself to experience. I started 2022 grieving the loss of beloved aunts and family friends. I grieved friendships. I grieved romantic relationships. I grieved the person I once was. But in the midst of it all, I kept pushing and pulled myself back together.

I leaned into working on my internal wounds, celebrating the life of those I love, those that have passed on, and started truly strengthening my spiritual practices, because in the midst of all the storms and their varying degrees of pain I had to press on. And that shit was not easy in any shape, form, or fashion. I was lied on, talked about, judged, and counted out. But I pressed on and held my head high, even though it hurt.

Grief is one of those unwanted recurring emotions for me. It shows up unannounced in the midst of whatever you have going on in life. It forces you to feel it, to face it, to truly embrace the pain. The analogy that comes to mind is being born and welcomed into a family, a room where the table is already set and prepared for you. It’s a development of a memory, what feels like home. But when you lose someone that has truly been a fixture and guiding force, you have to clear their space from the table. You still acknowledge them, their affect on your life, but the memories are all you have left.

You give yourself the space and compassion to feel that hurt and know that it may not get easier, but at some point it won’t hurt as much. I had to recognize the depressive effects it was having on me and make the conscious effort of choosing to be present in the moment. The shit was not roses at all. But nonetheless, I was grateful for the times I shared with my aunts. The stories they shared with me. The recipes that they’d mastered to perfection. The love they saw in me at times that I never saw in myself. The memories we created that will be impressed upon me until I take my last breath. I am grateful for that. Experiences like this always underscore the thoughts I have about my own mortality.

Am I maximizing my time on this Earth so that I am proud of me? Am I investing my energy in spaces where I am celebrated, appreciated, and desired? Am I living a life that is fulfilling to me? And if not, what am I waiting on?