January 28, 2023

Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. I can mark myself safe from the calamity of the year 2022 and the many storms that lived there. I want to count it all joy, but it left a path of seeing that I don’t think I ever could have adequately prepared myself to experience. I started 2022 grieving the loss of beloved aunts and family friends. I grieved friendships. I grieved romantic relationships. I grieved the person I once was. But in the midst of it all, I kept pushing and pulled myself back together.

I leaned into working on my internal wounds, celebrating the life of those I love, those that have passed on, and started truly strengthening my spiritual practices, because in the midst of all the storms and their varying degrees of pain I had to press on. And that shit was not easy in any shape, form, or fashion. I was lied on, talked about, judged, and counted out. But I pressed on and held my head high, even though it hurt.

Grief is one of those unwanted recurring emotions for me. It shows up unannounced in the midst of whatever you have going on in life. It forces you to feel it, to face it, to truly embrace the pain. The analogy that comes to mind is being born and welcomed into a family, a room where the table is already set and prepared for you. It’s a development of a memory, what feels like home. But when you lose someone that has truly been a fixture and guiding force, you have to clear their space from the table. You still acknowledge them, their affect on your life, but the memories are all you have left.

You give yourself the space and compassion to feel that hurt and know that it may not get easier, but at some point it won’t hurt as much. I had to recognize the depressive effects it was having on me and make the conscious effort of choosing to be present in the moment. The shit was not roses at all. But nonetheless, I was grateful for the times I shared with my aunts. The stories they shared with me. The recipes that they’d mastered to perfection. The love they saw in me at times that I never saw in myself. The memories we created that will be impressed upon me until I take my last breath. I am grateful for that. Experiences like this always underscore the thoughts I have about my own mortality.

Am I maximizing my time on this Earth so that I am proud of me? Am I investing my energy in spaces where I am celebrated, appreciated, and desired? Am I living a life that is fulfilling to me? And if not, what am I waiting on?