January 28, 2023

So, Thursday, January 26, 2023 at 7 pm, I attended “An Evening With the Stars” gala to accept an award for Teacher of the Year. All I can say is that I am humbled and grateful for the acknowledgment of over fifteen years of hard work. I never thought when I first entered the classroom that I would receive an award for the work I do.

Even when I learned of my nomination, I was in complete shock. I’ve always been one to do my job and keep it pressing. I have worked in so many environments, even outside of teaching, where I was never appreciated for the work I do. But this moment forced me to look at the path I’ve taken to get here. The people pushing me to do better, speaking life into me, pressing me to live up to my own standards.

There are so many emotions around receiving this award. I’m thankful, excited, appreciated, loved, respected, valued for the work I do. I work in an environment where I actually enjoy going to work. I looked back at one of my prayer journals and saw that the place I’m in now is what I earnestly and faithfully prayed for years ago.

I am so thankful for all of the praise, support, and words of encouragement I received during the process. I want to thank my family, friends, colleagues, and students. I also want to thank God for preparing me for this opportunity. I just feel so amazed and in awe.

Until next time.

January 28, 2023

Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. I can mark myself safe from the calamity of the year 2022 and the many storms that lived there. I want to count it all joy, but it left a path of seeing that I don’t think I ever could have adequately prepared myself to experience. I started 2022 grieving the loss of beloved aunts and family friends. I grieved friendships. I grieved romantic relationships. I grieved the person I once was. But in the midst of it all, I kept pushing and pulled myself back together.

I leaned into working on my internal wounds, celebrating the life of those I love, those that have passed on, and started truly strengthening my spiritual practices, because in the midst of all the storms and their varying degrees of pain I had to press on. And that shit was not easy in any shape, form, or fashion. I was lied on, talked about, judged, and counted out. But I pressed on and held my head high, even though it hurt.

Grief is one of those unwanted recurring emotions for me. It shows up unannounced in the midst of whatever you have going on in life. It forces you to feel it, to face it, to truly embrace the pain. The analogy that comes to mind is being born and welcomed into a family, a room where the table is already set and prepared for you. It’s a development of a memory, what feels like home. But when you lose someone that has truly been a fixture and guiding force, you have to clear their space from the table. You still acknowledge them, their affect on your life, but the memories are all you have left.

You give yourself the space and compassion to feel that hurt and know that it may not get easier, but at some point it won’t hurt as much. I had to recognize the depressive effects it was having on me and make the conscious effort of choosing to be present in the moment. The shit was not roses at all. But nonetheless, I was grateful for the times I shared with my aunts. The stories they shared with me. The recipes that they’d mastered to perfection. The love they saw in me at times that I never saw in myself. The memories we created that will be impressed upon me until I take my last breath. I am grateful for that. Experiences like this always underscore the thoughts I have about my own mortality.

Am I maximizing my time on this Earth so that I am proud of me? Am I investing my energy in spaces where I am celebrated, appreciated, and desired? Am I living a life that is fulfilling to me? And if not, what am I waiting on?

January 4, 2022

Happy New Year! Let me start out by saying, “Amen and thank you for allowing me to be here and express gratitude for what I have.” 2021 was 2020 in a bad wig. Hopefully 2022 comes in, sits down, and acts like it has some sense.

With the ushering in of the new year, I had to review the previous year, ripe with reflection and understanding. I continued on a journey of healing and self-discovery. I pushed through some pain and filled my cup with the wine of victory. I fell down, got up, fell again, stood tall, and kept pushing. But I never lost sight of what was most important – growth. And in growing, these are some of the lessons I learned and revisited over the past year.

• What’s good to you isn’t necessarily good for you. Everything comes with a consequence — be it positive or negative. Make sure that what you are entertaining and enjoying doesn’t come with a hefty price tag. If it costs you peace of mind, it’s too expensive.
• Letting go of painful emotions is not easy. The process of purging deep seeded trauma is hard but necessary for growth.
• Vulnerability is vital to forming a deeper connection. Taking off all of your armor to let someone get to know the real you requires trust and putting yourself out there.
• You’re feelings are real if you feel them. No one has the right or the power to take them away from you. Despite the circumstances, you owe it to yourself to fully express what you feel in a constructive way.
• Fear is a powerful emotion and can wreak havoc if given the freedom to roam about the acres of the mind. Being afraid is a natural response to situations and emotions that threaten your sense of safety or comfort. It is the body’s physiological response to danger. But you should not be stuck in place or held hostage by your fears.
• Failure stands for First Attempt In Learning. You will not get everything right on the first try, or the second try, or maybe even the fourth try. The purpose is to learn from your mistakes and keep trying until you get it right, especially if it is something of value to you.
• You can’t live your life for the approval of others. Every person in the world has a life of their own. You have to live your life pursuing what’s best for you — not anyone else.
• Make yourself a priority in your life. If you don’t enforce boundaries, you will always be disproportionately extending yourself.
• Self-care is critical to maintaining your temple. Your body is your temple and you have to treat it as such. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Constantly filling the cups of others and never filling your own will leave you depleted. Make time to attend to your mental health. Fill your own cup first.
• Be intentional with how you invest your time. Time passes regardless. Use this non-replenishable currency responsibly. Make it count.
• Health is wealth. Be mindful about how you treat your body. Eat more fruits and veggies. Aim to drink a gallon of water a day. Exercise for at least 30 minutes a day everyday.
• Have the difficult conversations. If you cannot express your true feelings in a relationship, ranging from friendly to familial to professional to romantic, then you create undue stress from suppressing them. Be tactful and considerate in your presentation.
• Give yourself permission to be happy. It’s easy to get caught up in the daily grind that you forget to take time to enjoy the energetic fruits of your labor. Getting to happy takes effort. But you have to bask in the glow of great energy.
• Real is rare. In a time where counterfeit is coveted and praised as authenticity, genuine people are few and far between. When you do come across an authentic individual, treat them well and with respect.
• Some people are trolls in real life. We’ve all heard of and experienced the age of DJ Twitter Fingers, specifically where individuals are heavy weight boxers behind the screens of their computers or phones. They are terse and bold when commenting online or sending text messages but lack the spine and cojones to say these things when confronted face-to-face. Don’t let these miserable cowards steal your joy or stop your shine.
• You don’t always have to choose violence. This one is pretty self explanatory, but opting to use tactful communication is a better choice than snarky tones and physical violence. I know sometimes the urge arises to want to slap someone in the mouth or match the disrespectful energy targeted toward you. But do not lower your energy to entertain stupidity.
• It’s okay to close the door. Not all “-ships” are meant to go the distance. People come into your life for a reason and/or a season. Take inventory of the “-ships” you have, friendships, relationships, situationships, and release what has run its course. Sometimes people show you who they are again and again and again.

While all the outcomes of my experiences were not always favorable, they were necessary to carry me into the next steps of my journey. Until next time.

November 4, 2021

I spent three years in therapy hoping to resolve the mass of painful burdens that were weighing me down in ways I had not imagined. I spent the greater portion of my life experiencing, witnessing, and unnecessarily carrying around pain as if it were a fabulous Birkin, honey. I shared this painful existence with my therapist, putting in a solid effort to abdicate my soul of the weighted emotion, holding me in place in stagnancy.

I yearned to feel lighter, to find my place in the sunshine, moving light-heartedly about life. My spirit sang for a freedom rooted in the struggles of my ancestors. My spirit knew that which I did not. I saw nothing wrong with the trauma I continuously lived. Those unprocessed emotions prevented me from living a life that was vibrant and fulfilling.

The first year in therapy hurt. It was not easy, reliving painful memories, acknowledging the trauma, remembering deep-seeded, pain. But for those occurrences I could not remember, my therapist had me do some intense activities, including trying to recall. My brain’s natural response for extremely hurtful experiences is to scrub the memory from access. It is referred to as a hidden memory. Sometimes the emotions would surface from an unknown trigger — a sound, a smell, a place, or even a conversation about a topic that’s not common place. The interaction would be jarring, forcing me to question up from down, left from right, and inside from outside. It made me feel raw, exposed in a way that I did not wish to show anyone. This level of vulnerability was something I only felt safe showing myself and my higher power.

Anger radiated throughout my being at what I deemed weakness. Facing my own perceived shortcomings and addressing my flaws seemed like trying to escape an underwater coffin chained shut in a Dave Copperfield-esque magic trick. I struggled with communicating and always showing up as my authentic self. I shrank myself for the comfort of others, not realizing that I was giving myself permission to be less than mediocre. I avoided the difficult conversations because it forced me to be accountable and to hold others accountable for their actions or lack there of. But through prayer, hard work, a solid support system, and stubborn Taurus determination, I began the cycle of healing.

I started this journey before even realizing I was on the path to wholeness. In 2012, I lost the person I was closest to in life and had to face a fear that no matter how much I had been prepped, I was never truly prepared. That year forced me to mature in an accelerated manner. I decided to lean into and start facing every known fear I had. After crossing a few things off of that list, I started coasting through the ebbs and flows of being a high-functioning depressed person, riddled with anxiety. I pretended everything was okay and journaled my emotions. I felt that was my only safe place, the only area I could escape to without judgment and without my imperfections being magnified. I hurt. I cried. I felt. When it got to be too much, I’d reach out to a friend, only showing a sliver of the depth of my pain. I mean, my true friends know when something is off but will give me some space to process through what I’m feeling until I’m ready to talk. I made it through and coasted some more.

Now, let’s fast forward to 2018: a series of confrontations, arguing with a childhood friend, cursing out the TSA, and a heated exchange with my mother all led me to my next cycle of healing. I had to truly come to terms that no matter how much I pretended it was, all in fact, was not well. I’d been carrying the heavy weight of other people’s approval as a means of defining my life and the path I was to take. I’d felt silenced and unheard and as a result silenced myself, feeling like my words were not important enough. It permeated frustration. Being frustrated was not propelling me to find solutions to change anything. So I sought the help of a licensed professional because I felt myself about to wild out and lose everything.

It’s 2021 and now, I do whatever I set my mind to, whether I’m ready or not. I do it afraid. I do it uncertain. I do it confidently. I do it. My perspective shifted. If I can strap a man to my back and jump out of a perfectly good airplane, I can attain the life I desire. I feel the shift and see the next area I have to work through and heal through. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. It’s change, and any kind of change can be uncomfortable. This is that, “Is there one?” part of the service where you are called outside of your comfort zone to grow. Will you rise to the occasion and seize your greatness, or will you be stagnant in the comfort of the lane you know? The choice is yours to make and thrive with. Here’s to healing…through and through.